Like most people who are honest with themselves I often wonder what if?
What if I hadn’t gone to Lincoln University?
What if I had actually tried harder at school?
What if I had decided that I should like girls no matter what?
What if being gay was a choice and not something I just am?
What if I hadn’t taken his number?
What if I had stayed in bed that day?
What if I was white?
What if I had stayed?
The problem is that there are so many ‘what if’ and so little time. I thought about writing an apology letter to those I have wronged in the past. Those who have forgiven me already have and the others it would fall on death ears.
The basic principle is that ‘what if’ is just that, what if. Having hindsight would be a great thing but then some of those chance moments in life would never happen.
I recently tweeted that, even with making all the mistakes I have made, I wouldn’t change a thing. I look around at what I have achieved, who my friends are, my family, my health and everything else. I never thought I would get here, but here I am. I wouldn’t say this is living the dream but it’s pretty damn close.
So what if I have decided that this isn’t it for me. That’s my choice.
Dear nine year old me,
Push that bike home in the dark. You may get a slap and told off but when you’re ten you’ll know the short cut to escape the bullies.
Dear 16year old me,
Yes you are different, but wait to you get to university, as you’ll find just how much. Don’t worry.
Dear 19year old me,
Scared, you should be but once this is over you’ll be amazed how you bounce back. You are much stronger than you think.
Dear 21year old me,
It wasn’t your fault and don’t let anyone think otherwise. This isn’t your lowest point, hold tight, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Dear 24year old me,
Congratulations. Now take your time and decide what you want to do at your pace.
Dear 27year old me,
Stay modest and focus. You have done it but from now on it gets harder.
Dear present me,
Relax. Start dong things you love. Love more. Stand up for yourself and remember it’s your life. You have made it this far and never be afraid to ask for help.
Dear future me,