...No really...It's Jnr

C1

“Men,” she spat the words out onto my face, “You just want everything, don’t you? Even something as sacred as being a slayer.”

She held me by my throat against the wall with one arm, with ease. The ultimate Amazon warrior pose, I couldn’t help thinking she had been perfecting it for a while. She squeezed a little tighter digging her nails in to add to the pain. This bitch really wanted me to feel it.

None of this was my fault. It had all started with my sister she as the one chosen. Not me, but she wasn’t able to fight. She couldn’t. She just lay there motionless and had been for 6 months now.

*Running through the hospital corridor, shards of lighting on the floor followed the line the nurse had told me led to intensive care. Then stopping at the door and seeing her lying there, tubs everywhere. Her body battered and bruised and now violated by tubes, feeding her, breathing for her , keeping her alive. I had fallen to the floor at that point and thrown up, I couldn’t. The reaction was instant. I knelt there till mum had come in and picked me up. At this point I noticed that whatever had come out of me onto the floor was mixed with blood and tears. I couldn’t explain it anyone, how I had knew. The nose bleed at work had been a warning. The rest had come like a bolt, the sudden shudder, my skin crawled and my hairs stood on end. That’s when the call had come from mum. No tears, felt numb and just got up. The phone was still off the hook when I walked away. I saw my manager pick it up and the look of shock on his face as I walk out of the door calmly. *

That was the moment everything had changed.

Gasping for air I realised I was either going to die there in her hand or I was going to have to kill her first. The running away and hiding option was no longer available. Kicking I hit her in the groin, she winced enough loosening her grip. That was enough to get my right are up and down. I was sure I had hit her hard enough to dislocate her shoulder slightly. Falling to my knees, I gasped for air. As I stood up she kicked him square in the chest sending me through a wall behind me. As I rolled back out of the dust and rumble, she smashed her way through the wall, making the hole even bigger.

“Pathetic, I miss the females,” she smirked, “At least they put a fight before I snapped their necks”.

I smiled, I don’t know why. My back was screaming but ignoring it was the only option. I got up and went for option three, I ran. I needed time to figure out how to do this. I heard her snarl as she set off after me. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck” the words just came out. What the hell was I doing here?  I promised myself if I got out of this I had to do something about all of this. I realised I had no idea what I was doing there. All this power and I was going to die without ever realising my potential. Death was going to happen sooner rather than later.

I veered off changing the direction I had been running in; realising there really wasn’t a lot of places to go, so I had to go back on myself a little. Not a decision I liked making.

So it happened the long distance situation became an in your face situation.

I’m currently avoiding the gym to write this as it seems I’ve had a growth spurt.

Last Thursday till Monday I had some of the best few days ever, no matter how confusing and draining they were, I had fun. It was just nice to be with someone that didn’t want anything from me and didn’t expect anything back. Though what I realised was we were two people just circling each other. It was just a strange situation and I came out of it a whole different person. Emotionally stronger, more secure in myself and totally and utterly able to share myself with someone and not want all that returned. Though if it is returned…bonus! 

Not sure if many of you know me that well but I have a habit of being very much what you is see is what you get. This is not necessarily the case at all. I’m known for being a bit of a diva at times, loud, chatty and to be honest it’s just a typical defensive state of mind. I choose to be that way to avoid getting hurt. 

The last few days have taken that all away. I stripped myself bare and just let me be me. It was the most refreshing experience ever, I realised while just getting me out there that I really do have a lot to offer people in terms of friendship, companionship and everything else. I have a renewed faith in myself, though it gets knocked at times I think the best thing to do is get back up and carry on pushing forward. 

I’ve always been so worried about how people view me I rarely persevere past that thought they have of me. To stop them digging to deep I start hiding behind other elements of my personalty. I’m well aware that people have layers, just in my case I never let them get too far from the surface. The one’s I do let in, the special few have a bigger insight and though it scares me I like the fact they do. 

You’re probably trying to figure out what I’m saying. Well this big wall I built to keep myself safe I realised keeps everybody out and the last few days it got knocked down. I let it. I didn’t even make an effort to hold it up, it came crumbling down and I have made no effort to put it back up. 

I feel lighter and more responsible for my actions, and I’m aware that there are certain things I need to do more and aspects of my life I need to focus on less. 

There is a big picture and I still can’t quite see it. I don’t think you ever get to see the whole thing at once. That’s not the way it goes. I think what happens is that you glimpse little fragments that make it up, so that when the big reveal happens you know where your part fit in. 

All that fear and shame I had about who I am and what I am isn’t there any more. That anger I felt towards people who couldn’t accept it has gone.

So to the man who made this possible thank you. You opened my eyes.

My name is Jean-Junior Kimanese Mayala and I am.

I love how honest people are on tumblr makes me happy. It’s 8:17 am and I just noticed a new person following me.

This is she ;o)

I’m Laila. 

I am literally not normal.
I’m not used to everything yet.
I won’t tell you things if you don’t ask me, so please do ask me.

I’m very clumsy. Very awkward. Very weird. 

Few people know me. 

I like making people smile when I’m “happy”. :)

I like her already

JJ